Brad: Hey, I thought you guys were going to the Crisis Management Training on Monday.
Me: Yeah, we were, but something came up. I’m bummed, because I wanted to go and get it over with, since it sounds SO ABYSMALLY BORING. [exact wording]
Brad: No, no, it’s not that bad.
Me: Really? Have you done it already?
Brad: No, I lead it.
Me: … … … … … [am still working on a good response]
…which is the only explanation I can think of for this morning. I’m sitting in staff meeting, mentally likening it to watching a three-hour Discovery Channel special on Our Marvelous Appendix, when someone from the department next to us comes over.
“We’re welcoming two new staff to our office with lots of snacks! Would you guys like to join us?” Since we all work for Constantly Craving Carbs, most of us are over there forthwith (“Hi, you’re new? How nice. Where’s the food?”). Of course, I come in last, because I know what I’m going to see–piles and piles of food I CAN’T EAT.
I have reached the tenth circle of heck–and it’s endless meetings, punctuated by breaks with snacks that look marvelous but are surrounded by an invisible force field of guilt.
I’d go and eat some worms, but I hear they also are high in empty carbs.
So yesterday I observe that the bathroom scale is, incredibly, starting to reflect some positive change. I think, “Awesome! I can do this! Just got to keep the momentum!”
Several hours later, someone offers to buy me dinner at McDonalds. Refusing free food, to me, is like refusing to help someone stranded on the side of the road. It is discourteous, prideful and reflects the fallenness of our world.
I might add, this is the McDonalds that I recently clocked at less than a 2.5 minute drive from my house. That’s right. I can now BE at McDonalds faster than it takes to peel a carrot.
Someone’s going to pay. Later. Right now I feel strangely bloated.
It all started back in 2006. Remember when I was trying to score a Wii and I felt like someone was frustrating my every move? The whole experience left me with a feeling of unease, but I let it go.
At the beginning of this year, I decided to really knuckle down and lose some weight. It’s going well (thanks for asking). Almost immediately, McDonalds opened a new restaurant practically across the street from me. A couple weeks later, Burger King opened a restaurant close by. And where I work, they’re now building both a Burger King and a Taco Bell. What does it all mean?
Well, I know now. It’s pretty simple, if you think about it. There is a vast, global conspiracy made up of evil, malevolent beings. As is commonly thought, their twisted ambitions aren’t built around world domination or crippling the economy. They exist to make me fat. And broke. And frustrated/bored/tired/etc.
I’m creating a new category in this blog, based on a penetrating observation from one Agent Fox Mulder: “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone’s not out to get you.” Preach it, brutha.
Tip o' My Brain 