“I don’t THINK so.”

Example: Batman Forever (among many, many others)

This one was brought to my attention by alert reader David Hahn, who’s got a sweet site you should check out. He says it best…

“One that should die is when, in an act of defiance at a crucial moment after the villain has stated his intentions, the angry hero responds with “I don’t THINK so.”

Vomit.”

A good point, David.  To which I could only add the PERFECT ENDING…

Villian: “I don’t care what you think.” BANG.

Villian wins, unleashes horror on the world that destroys humanity, but decisively ends the threat of reality television. A bittersweet ending, and a sobering wake up call to Dancing with the Stars fans everywhere.

Don’t chock on me now!

Can anyone use the word “chock” in a sentence that doesn’t use the words “full of…” after it?  As in, “Wow, this cereal is chock full of marshmallows” or “That episode of Smallville was chock full of awefulness.”

Just curious.

Mr. Sensitivity

A few weeks ago, leaving Wal-Mart…

Me: “Why do I always have to carry the groceries back to the car?”

Darcy: “Because you’re the man.”

Me: “What?!  I believe in the equality of the sexes!”

Darcy: “Not me!”

Me: “…”

(Blast you, Darcy…you’ve won this round.)

Why do I feel guilty for not blogging?

It’s not like you guys are paying me to write these posts here!  In other words, I feel I should hold you all personally responsible for my blogging inactivity.  Shame on all of you!  I also hold you all responsible for the popularity of “Dancing with the Stars.”

Open Letter (that means, For All Y’alls)

Dear Madam,

I wish to publicly indicate my regret at having called you “mildly depressed.”  And at having scoffed, verbally, that you were not worth all the attention everyone was giving you.  Yes, you deserved, and deserve, respect and attention.  And no, you’re  not fat (although your water-retention level is off the charts.  And I mean that in the best possible way, of course.)

You are, in fact, a wonderful, fun-loving female (why, just looking at your antics in Sanford and Deltona–the gallons of fun the residents there are experiencing–they look so happy with the indoor swimming pools you’ve provided them!)  But my only regret is that we’re depriving the rest of the eastern seaboard of your marvelous company.

So, I’d love for you to stick around.  But really, I think it’s time for you to move on. For your own sake, of course.  Besides, I’m starting to miss my ol’ pal, Sunny.

No!  Don’t cry!  I didn’t mean it! Aaaaargh…

Brent

It’s Coming!!

(in honor of the massive, terrifying approach of Hurricane…no wait, Tropical Storm…no wait, mildly depressed Fay.)

As seen in: Twister

Usually a character screaming said line at the top of his/her lungs, waving a finger behind him/her, and stating the obvious. Also used to denote impending arrival of some other threat, like dinosaurs. Unfortunately, these people usually survive.

Unrelated safety tip: When you see something threatening bearing down on you, don’t run, or get protective gear. Simply turn from it and yell, “It’s coming!” That’ll do it.

Random Thoughts from the Weekend (Clone of the Mummy edition)

• EPCOT is a great place to go  the night before school starts. There was only a 65 minute wait to get into Soarin’!  (We still didn’t go on it.)
• Darcy and I went to see the new Mummy movie.  In a nutshell, it was a moldy, lifeless, sequel that shambled all over the place, just like a Mummy, and I hate stupid reviews like this.
• I was able to successfully instruct someone in the differences between zombies (undead, brainless, eat brains), vampires (undead, brainy, thirsty), and ringwraiths (not quite dead, brainwashed, eat peanut M&Ms).  I feel my work here is done.
• My friend Rob and I saw the Star Wars: Clone Wars movie (sigh). It was actually more fun to debrief afterwards.  My thoughts in a later post on why Star Wars is starting to (fingersssss…sta..rting…to…ssssseeize…up)  suck.
• I’m starting to get that old familiar feeling.  You know the one I mean, since I’m sure you feel it too.  Christmas is coming!!
• I had a side-by-side comparison of Cocoa Puffs and Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  Winner: CTC. (And it doesn’t make you feel like you’ve been chewing glass the next morning.)
• When Floridians get bored, they manufacture a hurricane to spice things  up.

Can’t…breathe…

I just realized this morning…I haven’t heard Jordin Sparks’ “No Air” on the radio for the last  two days!  Not even once, let alone three or four times!  Somebody’s slipping!!

I’m a positive guy…

…usually. But I started thinking recently that there are some things that I really don’t like. I thought I’d tell you, since you asked.

I don’t like:

• dress socks. A drain on our economy, and a blight on society as a whole.
• calling someone “Buddy.” I don’t mind being called it. But when I use it it sounds like I’m running for Congress.
• reality television. I can’t stay in the same room with it.
• Coldplay. Why do people like these guys?
• not having an accent. I want one, but you all know by now I don’t, so I can’t fake it.
• people who can’t navigate four-way stops.
• Lowes (thanks, Karin, for bringing it up). That place was invented, with its infernal cousin, Home Depot, to emasculate me.
• actors talking about how great their movies are. Really, what else are they going to say?! (Will Smith: “I think audiences are really going to connect with Hancock because…uh, well, actually, don’t bother.”)
• T-shirts that have jokes on them. That’s like telling the same joke over and over. Sorry-no joke is that good.
• loving Del Taco. I love Del Taco, but our long-distance relationship has caused me nothing but pain.
• People who say you can’t like both Star Wars and Star Trek. I’ll like who I want, AstroPunk!

That’s it for now. Thank you for allowing me to enrich your lives.

Hancock

What a great idea–Superman, instead of crash-landing in Kansas, grows up a homeless bum!  How can you screw that up?  By adding bizzare plot reversals, no villian to speak of, and over-stylized camera work.  Oh, what could have been…